The “Moms’ Eye View” series highlights timely parenting themes and issues that emerge from the Circle of Moms community. The topics and questions that fascinate moms the most are the fodder for this space; for each Moms’ Eye post, we select one particularly lively thread and attempt to capture the consensus (or lack of consensus) that percolates through the thread.
What is child abuse? There are many different ways of looking at it: are swats on the bottom considered abuse? How about spanking? Yelling? Name calling? And where do the moms of Circle of Moms – some 8 million strong – draw the line?
Almost a hundred responded to a recent thread posted in one of Circle of Moms’ largest and most diverse communities asking for a definition of child abuse. The vast majority agreed that spanking seems to lie in a grey area between abuse and punishment. Here’s what they said:
Krista, mother of one, says, “Some tactics and approaches are very obviously abusive to a child. But when looking at the gray area of things like spanking and yelling, I would say that it becomes abusive when it negatively affects the child’s health, or their sense of security, safety and comfort with his or her parents.”
Melissa, mother of one, agrees with Krista saying, “I feel that spanking is appropriate when used in the right manner, like if [he] is about do something to hurt [himself] or someone else. I feel that when a child becomes afraid of you that’s when it has turned abusive.”
Sara, mother of one in Louisiana, was spanked as a child by parents she considers loving and demonstrative. As she explains, “I think it is the manner in which a child is spanked that makes the child afraid or not afraid. I knew that if I disobeyed, fought with my sister, etc. I would get a spanking. The point is don’t spank out of anger. If you have a tendency to “lose it” then spanking shouldn’t be something that you do.”
And Kylie, mother of one in Australia, believes that the word abuse stretches over other parental actions as well, “abuse is any action verbal or physical that is used to harm or break down a child. You don’t have to leave a mark to be abusive. Words can be just as abusive as a belt.” Jackie, mother of one, adds “also remember there is another form of ‘abuse’ which is child neglect; the lack of appropriate care, which in my experience, can be just as harmful to a child.”
Interestingly, The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends against spanking, which they’ve found to be no more effective than any other approach in managing undesired behavior, and moms generally agree. If spanking is done out of anger and without proper explanation, they say, it renders the message of the spanking pointless while creating an aura of abuse. And as Sandi, mother of one in England, points out, “if it’s pointless you may as well not do it in the first place.”
What do you think?
For more information:
- “So what IS child abuse” thread
- Welcome to Circle of Moms Community
- The American Academy of Pediatrics
Child abuse comes in many forms, each harmful, and none more detrimental than the other, in my opinion. Take for example: spanking- this is physical punishment, and if taken to the extreme, is child abuse; but if done with discretion and totally without anger, can be a tool to reprimand, and teach that wrongdoing has painful consequences. However, while name- calling and degrading words spoken from a parent to a child may not be physically harmful, these can have lasting psychological effects, the scars of which may never go away and may negatively affect the child’s life forever. We must be careful to punish our children when they purposefully do what is wrong, so that we raise a generation that has a good conscience and feels responsible for their own actions. But our punishment must be done with kindness and the goal to guide our children to be the best example of goodness that they can be.
I agree with the pros and cons of spanking as Margorie has stated. As a mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, I have formed the opinion all children may not respond to a spanking. Each child is reached on his or her space, and it is the parents’ job to find the best method of punishment. The form of punishment will change as the child grows older. For instance a two-year-old does not understand the word, “No” but may repond to a swat on the rear end. By four standing in the corner may work, etc. However when a child is at age 12 or 13, spankings are no longer appropriate. They better know when you say no it means no, or you have lost control of the child. At this age and through the teens suffering the consequence is most likely the best method. As a final comment the most abusive act of punishment is to demean the child in any manner. The sting of the paddle soon goes away, but hurtful words are burnt into the mind forever.
the most or wrost abuse to a child as a mom or dad is to belittle your child make him or her feel like their nothing verbal abuse its bad but any kind of abuse should not be acceptable but u do have to tell your child when he or she does wrong n let them know the results of wrong doing but it different with each child sometimes talk or sometimes taking things away or no activity
After many years of marriage my husband revealed to me his spanking fetish. He actually recieved professional psychological therapy. I admit it’s not a problem for most children but if it was your child would you risk giveing them this form of mild sexual addiction? Other methods are safer, and after learing if this problem I’m against any spanking. I ask my husband what his memories were. Until therapy he had blocked them out and replaced them with a spanking fetish desire. With help he recalled his mother’s spankings and had bad flashbacks some nights screeming out in terror. He said it was worse than the pain everyone asumes is so unpleasant. He said the unbearable shame of having his mother pull down his pants and underware exposing him felt like a sexual violation. His therapist said he had experineced something similar to rape with that degrading shame even though it was in private and with his mother.
Oh my goodness! Discipline is teaching your child your not suppose to inflict
pain on a child. What children are taught when spanking is done, is when they are angry with someone who has done something they don’t like or if someone strikes out at them,they can strike back with a physical action.
I have a 42&35 year old boys,(men now)and I never put a hand
on them ever and neither did their father. I now have 6 grand-kids and you guessed it, they were never spanked or swatted in anyway. The grand-kids are 21,20,19,16,12&7 and to
this very day including my boys,(men)they never use bad language in front of us. We know they use this kind of talk, but they refrain from using it in front of us. Now they never
used this language in front of us because of fear because they had nothing to fear, it’s called respect because this language was never used on them. Have respect for your children and they will give that back to you!! Talk to your kids like their little adults and human beings. Don’t degrade, belittle or humiliate them and they will grow up to be productive people.
It is abuse – and it really is that simple. If I hit the dog, or the cat or my husband or the lady at the cash register who is being oh so slow and irritating me, that is abuse. And hitting defenceless little ones, or big teens! is equally abuse and actually even worse.
Hitting without anger – is appalling. Just as appalling as hitting in anger. My parents did both. When without anger, it was in ‘cold blood’ s it were. HOW can anyone do that without either being a sadist and enjoying it or a completely uncaring person? I felt they hated me either way. It turns my blood cold thinking about it even now – I am 56!
And the ‘sting of the paddle ‘ or anything else for that matter .. doesn’t go away quickly !!! I can still remember that agony thank you very much! It haunts me and I suppose now it always will. I fully understand MaryAnn’s husband and my heart goes out to him and the little boy he was. The hate that being spanked caused me to feel towards these ‘caring’ parents who just hit me [You must never hit another person!] and who just taught me that they didn’t love me [It's over and we love you so much!] has lasted with me too.
Thank you Beverly for some loving, caring, kind and gentle answers !! I too taught my children right from wrong, without terrorising them, hurting their feelings or their bodies. Words, instruction and showing a child by example work far better – and are not cruel !
Slavery and wife beating was once ‘the norm’, as was the rape and buggery of little children in Ancient Rome – all of which has been outlawed with good reason and spanking and hitting children should be outlawed too! At home AND in schools!