The “Moms’ Eye View” series highlights timely parenting themes and issues that emerge from the Circle of Moms community. The topics and questions that fascinate moms the most are the fodder for this space; for each Moms’ Eye post, we select one particularly lively thread and attempt to capture the consensus (or lack of consensus) that percolates through the thread.
Even before the idea of the “mommy wars” took hold in the public imagination, spawning a small universe of books, studies, and commentators, mothers have weighed the personal and financial trade-offs of working outside the home in an environment charged with public approbation. When mothers come together to discuss this subject, the results often reflect the public acrimony. But in a recent thread in one of Circle of Moms’ largest communities for working moms, almost 400 mothers from all walks of life weighed in on the topic of guilt among working mothers—without slinging arrows. What accounts for the peace? Has the flailing economy nudged us into an era of more tolerance?
Community moderator Terry Greenberg Starr sparked the discussion by asking ‘Does anyone out there besides me NOT feel guilty about working?” setting up a supportive backdrop for the discussion. Perhaps not surprisingly, more than 96% of the respondents agreed that mothers who work should not feel guilty about it. Sabrina, mother of three, explained, “I work because I don’t want my kids growing up thinking that a woman’s role is only at home or that a female needs a man to work and provide for her… I [do] take time off and participate in school functions when I can…there has to be a balance.” And Jamie, mother of three, added, “I find it irritating that women are trained to feel guilty for providing for their families. There is no reason that women cannot have wonderful jobs and wonderful families.”
Moms for whom working is a financial necessity, not an option, emphasized how good they feel about providing a better life for their children. And almost everyone agreed that working helps them maintain the identities they had before having children.
As Kerry, mother of three, put it, “I do feel guilty for having to miss certain basketball games and talent shows, but not for working in general…I know I not only need to work for the money, but for my own sanity as well.”
Still, quite a few expressed misgivings about the emotional impact of agonizing choices. Heather, mother of one in Ohio, said she feels “extremely guilty most of the time because I am missing out on so much, I don’t feel like a mom.” Amanda, mother of one, added: “I feel TOTALLY guilty…I’m missing so much and would much rather stay with them. You don’t get these days back.”
If you’re a working mother or father, how do you feel about the issues raised here? Do you think the unprecedented financial pressures that so many families now face have shifted the terms of the debate?
Additional Information:
- Sloan Work and Family Research Network – Boston College
- Mommy Wars – Washington Post
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