Even before the idea of the “mommy wars” took hold in the public imagination, spawning a small universe of books, studies, and commentators, mothers have weighed the personal and financial trade-offs of working outside the home in an environment charged with public approbation. When mothers come together to discuss this subject, the results often reflect the public acrimony. But in a recent thread in one of Circle of Moms’ largest communities for working moms, almost 400 mothers from all walks of life weighed in on the topic of guilt among working mothers—without slinging arrows. What accounts for the peace? Has the flailing economy nudged us into an era of more tolerance?

Community moderator Terry Greenberg Starr sparked the discussion by asking ‘Does anyone out there besides me NOT feel guilty about working?” setting up a supportive backdrop for the discussion. Perhaps not surprisingly, more than 96% of the respondents agreed that mothers who work should not feel guilty about it.  Sabrina, mother of three, explained, “I work because I don’t want my kids growing up thinking that a woman’s role is only at home or that a female needs a man to work and provide for her… I [do] take time off and participate in school functions when I can…there has to be a balance.”  And Jamie, mother of three, added, “I find it irritating that women are trained to feel guilty for providing for their families. There is no reason that women cannot have wonderful jobs and wonderful families.”

Moms for whom working is a financial necessity, not an option, emphasized how good they feel about providing a better life for their children.  And almost everyone agreed that working helps them maintain the identities they had before having children.

As Kerry, mother of three, put it, “I do feel guilty for having to miss certain basketball games and talent shows, but not for working in general…I know I not only need to work for the money, but for my own sanity as well.”

Still, quite a few expressed misgivings about the emotional impact of agonizing choices. Heather, mother of one in Ohio, said she feels “extremely guilty most of the time because I am missing out on so much, I don’t feel like a mom.” Amanda, mother of one, added: “I feel TOTALLY guilty…I’m missing so much and would much rather stay with them. You don’t get these days back.”

If you’re a working mother or father, how do you feel about the issues raised here? Do you think the unprecedented financial pressures that so many families now face have shifted the terms of the debate?

Additional Information:

- “Not guilty” thread

- “Working Moms” Community

- Circle of Moms

- Sloan Work and Family Research Network – Boston College

- Mommy Wars – Washington Post

The “Moms’ Eye View” series highlights timely parenting themes and issues that emerge from the Circle of Moms community. The topics and questions that fascinate moms the most are the fodder for this space; for each Moms’ Eye post, we select one particularly lively thread and attempt to capture the consensus (or lack of consensus) that percolates through the thread.

Immunizations are a consistently hot topic in our most popular and diverse community on Circle of Moms, and a consensus–that they are a matter of personal choice rather than public health–seems to be emerging in these conversations.

While most of the 200+ moms who responded to a recent question on the subject had opted to have their children immunized, they tended to prefer alternative schedules, such as waiting until their children were older, over the standard schedule recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

Gina, a mother of one, said , “I am not opposed to the immunizations. I know they have been created for a reason…However, I am opposed to giving so many shots at one time.”

Charlene, mother of one, agrees with Gina saying, “For me, the pros outweighed the cons, and if I hadn’t vaccinated and my daughter had gotten one of the preventable diseases, I would feel extremely guilty for that.”

Eight moms cited the phenomenon of “herd immunity” or community immunity as an important reason to immunize. As Alzena, mother of two, explained, it’s “a type of immunity that occurs when the vaccination of a portion of the population provides protection to unprotected individuals,” and Roxy, mother of one, added, “That seems to be something no one considers in the whole immunization debate; the overall community health.”

On the other hand, about 10% of respondents were completely against immunizations, some of them insisting on the efficacy of more natural methods to boost their children’s immune systems. Several of these moms cited a possible connection to autism, although this connection has recently been disproven.

As Monica, mother of four, explained, “I’m personally against it just because it’s unnatural and I believe in natural living and healing.”

Maj-Britt, mother of two, added, “If you decide not to vaccinate I would suggest also looking into some natural ways to boost your natural defenses to infections.”

In the end, most moms seemed to agree that it is your personal choice to vaccinate or not vaccinate your child. As Faye, mother of three, said, “Do your research and make a decision when you are fully informed and when you are secure and comfortable with your choice. It is YOUR choice.”

For more information:

-“Immunizations: For or Against” Thread

-“Welcome to Circle of Moms” Community

-Circle of Moms

-Centers for Disease Control and Prevention – Vaccines

-National Institute of Health/U.S. National Library of Medicine

-National Vaccine Information Center (Anti-Immunization)

-Recommended childhood vaccination schedule as of Jan. 1, 2010 according to American Academy of Pediatrics

-Connection between Autism and immunizations

-Herd Immunity (Community Immunity)

What is child abuse? There are many different ways of looking at it: are swats on the bottom considered abuse? How about spanking? Yelling? Name calling? And where do the moms of Circle of Moms – some 8 million strong – draw the line?

Almost a hundred responded to a recent thread posted in one of Circle of Moms’ largest and most diverse communities asking for a definition of child abuse. The vast majority agreed that spanking seems to lie in a grey area between abuse and punishment. Here’s what they said:

Krista, mother of one, says, “Some tactics and approaches are very obviously abusive to a child. But when looking at the gray area of things like spanking and yelling, I would say that it becomes abusive when it negatively affects the child’s health, or their sense of security, safety and comfort with his or her parents.”

Melissa, mother of one, agrees with Krista saying, “I feel that spanking is appropriate when used in the right manner, like if [he] is about do something to hurt [himself] or someone else. I feel that when a child becomes afraid of you that’s when it has turned abusive.”

Sara, mother of one in Louisiana, was spanked as a child by parents she considers loving and demonstrative. As she explains, “I think it is the manner in which a child is spanked that makes the child afraid or not afraid. I knew that if I disobeyed, fought with my sister, etc. I would get a spanking. The point is don’t spank out of anger. If you have a tendency to “lose it” then spanking shouldn’t be something that you do.”

And Kylie, mother of one in Australia, believes that the word abuse stretches over other parental actions as well, “abuse is any action verbal or physical that is used to harm or break down a child. You don’t have to leave a mark to be abusive. Words can be just as abusive as a belt.” Jackie, mother of one, adds “also remember there is another form of ‘abuse’ which is child neglect; the lack of appropriate care, which in my experience, can be just as harmful to a child.”

Interestingly, The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends against spanking, which they’ve found to be no more effective than any other approach in managing undesired behavior, and moms generally agree. If spanking is done out of anger and without proper explanation, they say, it renders the message of the spanking pointless while creating an aura of abuse. And as Sandi, mother of one in England, points out, “if it’s pointless you may as well not do it in the first place.”

What do you think?

For more information:

- “So what IS child abuse” thread

- Welcome to Circle of Moms Community

- Circle of Moms

- The American Academy of Pediatrics

A very popular topic is children with food allergies. The ages range from infants on up.

And the allergies to foods are varied.

Moms share how they’re coping with the challenges of dealing with food allergies. And they also share resources where they’ve gotten information & assistance. This can be really helpful when you’re seeking answers or if it’s a new diagnosis.

If you have a child with food allergies you may find one of these groups helpful. There are many conversations that are very helpful.

Kids with Food Allergies - 628 member

Kids/Babies with Food Allergies - 547 members

Raising Children with Food Allergies - 591 members

Moms of Food Allergic Kids

Moms of Kids with Food Allergies

And if you have experience with food allergies or questions, feel free to join the conversations there!